Liquid Zoo

Liquid Zoo has open mic nights on Wednesdays and Sundays, and maybe another day, I don’t go to every open mic, ok?  I’m trying.  This is my accountability system for trying new places.  Get off my case, OK?  I recommend the Wednesday one, good host.  A dear friend of mine named Kelly McInerney calls this bar liquid poo, I’m not certain if that’s due to the diarrhea you get after drinking the complimentary shot they give you when you check in on facebook (what’s in that thing? do they still do that?) or because the open mic can sometimes be shitty.  As you walk into the bar, your first thought will probably be “fuck, I hope I don’t have to use the restroom here.”  You will.  There’s a one drink minimum which might lead to one or four more, and sometimes the mic goes really long and the sets are seven minutes so even if you’re tenth on the list you’re going to be there over an hour.  This restroom is one with a waiting room style.  It’s a single bathroom with a single door, but there is also a very small area for which the purpose is unclear, with a long countertop and mirror.  I get the idea that it might be a diaper changing station, because this is the kind of place where you would probably find women that bring their babies into a bar.  Then there is another door with the single restroom inside.  Both doors lock, I’m not sure why.  Most places with this style of restroom only the actual bathroom-part door locks.  Maybe it’s to protect the potential new mother and newborn.  Or possibly in case there is some sort of crazy person, he or she would have to break down two doors to get to the woman inside.  This is a place where fights go down and prostitutes hang out and such.  It’s wild.  Anyway I always lock both doors.  I usually throw my purse on the counter, sorry baby’s butt. I don’t sit on the seat here, though it’s usually pretty clean.  The most disgusting part about this place is the… hand towel thing?  I don’t know what you call this thing.  It looks like a paper towel machine but contains a fabric of a thicker variety, which seemingly gets recycled for reuse by other bar patrons.  The first time I used this restroom I grabbed it thinking it was a paper towel.  There are few regrets I have in my life; this is one.  Once you pull down on the towel you notice that the end of the towel feeds back into the machine and this is not really the kind of place where you want to be sharing germs with the other patrons.  After I did it that one time I spent the rest of the night trying to pretend in my mind that there is some way they keep it sanitary or that maybe the machine doesn’t work that way.  It does.  Don’t touch it.  There are no alternatives for hand drying.  Sorry ‘bout it.  Use the inside of your jeans pockets.  You will leave the restroom feeling worse than when you walked in. Pee before you get there.  Seriously.


1/5 Smiley Poos

1/5 Smiley Poos

Hollywood Hotel

The Hollywood Hotel is always having mics and no one really likes going there but everyone does anyway once in a while.  Sometimes it heats up and usually the hosts for all the mics are good. The problem is that there seems to be a lot of men that are bad at comedy bringing the room down and no one paying attention because they all sit in the back of the bar.  They usually give you like five minutes and you can get laughs there if you try.  It’s also a great place to go if you’re in the mood to throw away a set, not that I’ve ever done that it just seems like a lot of people do that there.  Anyway the bathroom is nice because it’s a hotel bathroom.  There are full length mirrors and plentiful stalls with doors that go all the way to the floor.  People do drugs in there sometimes but usually the designer ones so it’s not very problematic.  The weird thing about the bathroom at the Hollywood Hotel is that the soap is the only thing automatic.  Just seems weird to me.  Soap must be costing a lot nowadays that they are trying to restrict bathroom-goers’ usage.  Seems to me that they don’t care about the drought or saving the planet (paper towels) nearly as much as they care about saving money on soap.  It’s a basement kind of so its cool with me.  I’d sit down on the seat here, but I don’t.


4/5 Smiley Poos

4/5 Smiley Poos

Lotto Grotto

Terrence Newman allows us to use his own personal restroom.  He keeps it clean and stocks it with toilet paper and soap and paper towels.  It’s not a professional restroom or whatever if we have to classify it, but it’s nicer than a lot of the other comedy bathrooms that are supposedly made for public use.  One time I was waiting for the bathroom and it turned out Terrance was in there taking a shower.  I know because he came out in a towel.  I'm sorry I invaded your privacy Terrance.  It’s really nice of him to let us use it and keep it clean therefore it is an automatic 5 poop emojis.

 


5/5 Smiley Poops

5/5 Smiley Poops

Rafa's

This bathroom is an interesting one.  I’m not going to hate on it too much because I have a crush on the host of the Thursday night half-booked half-open-mic. Last night they let me DJ there because AC wasn't there. They got me free drinks and I was toasted. I used the restroom multiple times. Rafa’s has two stalls, which is nice.  The bad part is that none of the doors go fully to the ground, even the one that you enter to get into the restroom/stall area.  You can hear everything in there that’s going on outside, which I’m not sure is by design, could be a happy accident.  There is rarely a line and there has always been plentiful paper products when I’ve used the facilities.  The mirror is good for checking your makeup and there’s kind of plenty of room in there.  I would sit down on the seat here.  I don’t, but I would if I was drunk or something.  The lights are a little too bright for my taste.  I wish they could dim them somehow.  Rafa’s is 420 friendly and honestly some nights I get a little dizzy just standing in there.  The lights in the restroom are too bright for this type of situation.  Rafa’s is a basement so I like it.  Bathroom is clean.  It's weird that there is a regular towel, like an orange bath towel, in there to dry your hands.  Also though, there are paper towels so it is unoffensive to me.


4/5 Smiley Poops

4/5 Smiley Poops


The Other Door AKA "Mouthypants"

The Other Door boasts a mic called “Mouthypants” on Tuesday nights from like 8PM-2AM.  It’s really long and I can’t believe the hosts put up with people for that length of time.  When Quincy Johnson used to help out he would get people in and out and I liked it because he would sign me up on the late list a lot.  He also started a late night brunch club which I’m unclear if that is still happening.  He would always get really fattening things like pastrami and milkshakes and I’d always be like “ummmmm nothing for me” and then he’s still skinny and I’m still fat so I can’t tell what’s going on there.  The Other Door has a lot of doors like you would think but the women’s room is in that weird hallway. It seems extremely ADA accessible.  This is important to me.  The ADA bathroom is large enough that you could comfortably go in in a wheelchair and it not be a problem.  Also you can open the cabinet below the sink to roll in closer to the sink.  I like that.  More bathrooms should think about actual people in wheelchairs instead of just the ADA specifics to have your bathroom be accessible.  I really like that it’s accessible.  Normally I would just give it 5 poops just for that but it doesn’t seem fair because there is one thing about the Other Door that not a lot of people know.  The place is super haunted.  It’s haunted as fuck in that bar and I’ve had a weird experience there and the room where I think the spirits mostly hang out is that room full of broken shit in the back which is right next to the bathrooms.  I’m only deducting one point for this because the bathroom is so accessible.  Normally I would seriously probably give like 2 poos even tho the restroom is fine its just the spirits that freak me out.  And I don’t mean the ones behind the bar.  If we can have a cleansing there maybe sage the space or bring in a priest I would be happy to change the rating to five.  Unfortunately, I’m unable to sit down on the seat there because I’m terrified of some Moaning Myrtle style shit going down.


4/5 Smiley Poos

4/5 Smiley Poos

Karma Lounge

The bathroom at karma lounge is interesting.  Firstly, I hate that you have to walk right past the person on stage and try not to look them in the face to get there.  If you do accidentally make eye contact with the person you always do that little hurried walk and apologetic shrug even though we should all be understanding cause when you gotta go, you gotta go!  The worst part is you have to part the silver beaded curtain which makes a decent amount of noise during the person’s set.  No, I take that back.  The worst part is if there’s someone in the restroom you can’t really go back out because you’d have to part the beaded curtain AGAIN so you stay back there and wait.  I guess the good thing is you can sometimes kind of see if someone is already waiting but usually they kinda hide back there because it’s right by the stage and people don’t really want to be looked at when they are waiting in line to urinate, doing that lil dance move or sway.  Once you get in there it is pretty cool.  It recently got some wack ass paintings that are reminiscent of Pinterest memes.  Full of glitter that say things like “Smile, Sparkle & Shine.”  Whatever, it doesn’t hurt my feelings.  The bathroom is clean.  I would sit down I guess but I don’t think I ever have.  The best part of it though is they offer free tampons which is a service that I truly believe all restrooms should be required to provide.  This should be the only option and Karma lounge is paving the way for feminists everywhere.  The bad part of this is that I am a feminist but I am of course also very greedy so I often take more than my share of the tampons which may result in a woman in need at a later time.  I vow to change or whatever.  TBH I know I’m not the only woman who does this so I feel like the playing field is pretty even at this point.  I think they provide other stuff too like pads or something but they don’t let 14 year olds in the bar so I am not sure why they have those.  One of the handles on the sink doesn’t work and there is a cutout styrofoam cup over it with a little note on it asking you not to touch it, which it seems like is the best they can do at this point.  You’d think the owner, Igor, who I have heard tale of but never seen, would get it fixed by now.  I like the bathroom here.  Lighting a little too bright, though.  Also it is crucial to turn the light off before you open the door or everyone will see you exit the restroom which is totes embarrassing because as a society we have the book “everyone poops” but it seems like it should be called “no one has read this” or at least “no one takes it seriously” because there is still a lot of stigma associated with restrooms.  You have to exit with the dumb silver beads again too and it’s probably Brendan Cooney or someone cool on stage so you rush to get out there and watch but it is going to make noise again and maybe Brendan will say something about you which is cool, he’s cool like that.  The bar staff is really cool specifically Alice and Albert who are my two favorite employees there.  5 poop emojis cause the tampon thing.


5/5 Smiley Poops

5/5 Smiley Poops


Silverlake Lounge

The Silverlake Lounge boasts infamous open mics Friday Evening, Sunday Afternoon, & now Thursday Late-Night, all with great hosts.  I’m partial to the Thursday night hosts, they are my friends. All the hosts are great though.  Silverlake has strong drinks, dance parties, and the ever-pourin' Mario Soto.  I think the Silversun Pickups used to do the music open mics there. Anyway, the restroom game could be stronger.  The women’s room, unlike the mens, has a lock on the door, a plus.  Also, there is a full-length mirror just outside the restroom. The line can get exceptionally long as this is a single door, single restroom.  Great for privacy.  Which could be a reason the line can get long.  Sometimes women vomit in there and it takes a WHILE if you’re waiting.  In these scenarios, a blogger, or an average customer may have to use the men’s room.  Typically if this happens you will need to have a friend nearby standing guard because, as previously mentioned, the men’s room has no lock on the door.  Once you go to find a friend and come back, rest assured that the women’s room will still be occupied (50/50 chance on whether you’ll hear retching or snorting from outside the door), and rest assured that when you open that men’s room door, even if you were certain it was empty before, you will accidentally see a man peeing.  Oops.  It happens to all of us.  Kindly wait for him to come out and then take your turn.  You are likely to hear your friend outside the restroom trying to explain to a gentleman that there is a lady in there.  Sometimes the gentlemen do not appreciate a woman using “their” restroom, and sometimes they are kind about it.  After you wash your hands, exit, and mutter your “sorry” to the man waiting as women are conditioned to do, you’ll notice that the women’s room is still occupied.  If you do get the chance to use the ladies room, possibly the next time you need the facilities (let’s face it you’ve had four or five beers at this point and [insert-horrible-open-micers-name-here] just went up), you may be pleasantly surprised. You see, one thing that this blogger truly desires in a restroom is a red overhead light, to make you completely question the color of the lipstick or shirt you put on previous to heading into the mic.  The smell can, at times, be not so great, but Mario is pretty good about keeping the restroom clean and stocked with toilet paper, soap and paper towels.  Once or twice the toilet has clogged, and that’s a bummer, but he gets to fixing it pretty quick.  The water in the sink is low-flow, and I’m always afraid that the toilet won’t flush.  But it does.  Overall it’s a decent open mic restroom.  I’ve sat down on the seat here, but only when I couldn’t stand up anymore, ya know?


3/5 Smiley Poos

3/5 Smiley Poos