Liquid Zoo has open mic nights on Wednesdays and Sundays, and maybe another day, I don’t go to every open mic, ok? I’m trying. This is my accountability system for trying new places. Get off my case, OK? I recommend the Wednesday one, good host. A dear friend of mine named Kelly McInerney calls this bar liquid poo, I’m not certain if that’s due to the diarrhea you get after drinking the complimentary shot they give you when you check in on facebook (what’s in that thing? do they still do that?) or because the open mic can sometimes be shitty. As you walk into the bar, your first thought will probably be “fuck, I hope I don’t have to use the restroom here.” You will. There’s a one drink minimum which might lead to one or four more, and sometimes the mic goes really long and the sets are seven minutes so even if you’re tenth on the list you’re going to be there over an hour. This restroom is one with a waiting room style. It’s a single bathroom with a single door, but there is also a very small area for which the purpose is unclear, with a long countertop and mirror. I get the idea that it might be a diaper changing station, because this is the kind of place where you would probably find women that bring their babies into a bar. Then there is another door with the single restroom inside. Both doors lock, I’m not sure why. Most places with this style of restroom only the actual bathroom-part door locks. Maybe it’s to protect the potential new mother and newborn. Or possibly in case there is some sort of crazy person, he or she would have to break down two doors to get to the woman inside. This is a place where fights go down and prostitutes hang out and such. It’s wild. Anyway I always lock both doors. I usually throw my purse on the counter, sorry baby’s butt. I don’t sit on the seat here, though it’s usually pretty clean. The most disgusting part about this place is the… hand towel thing? I don’t know what you call this thing. It looks like a paper towel machine but contains a fabric of a thicker variety, which seemingly gets recycled for reuse by other bar patrons. The first time I used this restroom I grabbed it thinking it was a paper towel. There are few regrets I have in my life; this is one. Once you pull down on the towel you notice that the end of the towel feeds back into the machine and this is not really the kind of place where you want to be sharing germs with the other patrons. After I did it that one time I spent the rest of the night trying to pretend in my mind that there is some way they keep it sanitary or that maybe the machine doesn’t work that way. It does. Don’t touch it. There are no alternatives for hand drying. Sorry ‘bout it. Use the inside of your jeans pockets. You will leave the restroom feeling worse than when you walked in. Pee before you get there. Seriously.
Terrence Newman allows us to use his own personal restroom. He keeps it clean and stocks it with toilet paper and soap and paper towels. It’s not a professional restroom or whatever if we have to classify it, but it’s nicer than a lot of the other comedy bathrooms that are supposedly made for public use. One time I was waiting for the bathroom and it turned out Terrance was in there taking a shower. I know because he came out in a towel. I'm sorry I invaded your privacy Terrance. It’s really nice of him to let us use it and keep it clean therefore it is an automatic 5 poop emojis.