The Lexington

The Lexington boasts open mics on Tuesday and Saturday nights.  There are shows there those nights too.  I think the hosts are cool. Idk. Anyway, some say the restroom at the Lexington is fine.  I say it is the most terrifying of all the open mic restrooms.  This debate will continue for all of time.  Now, the reason I dislike the Lexington restroom is not because of the restroom itself (though, we’ll get to that later), the main reason is the automatic, motion-sensored light in the restroom.  Usually I’m all for saving electricity, planet earth, you know, yay!  But in this particular restroom I feel that the motion-sensored light is a detriment.  The women’s restroom is tucked in the back of the Lexington, near the lurking, shadeful smoker hangers-on that tend to be in the back patio of the venue.  I’ve been known to be back there myself (proof that it’s shadeful).  It seems to me that it would be quite easy for someone to slip into the women’s room and hide until the light goes off, either for a prank or with malintent.  Thusly, when this blogger’s bladder is full, it is a matter of severe anxiety to walk into the dark ladies room, hear the door shut and then wildly wave my hands hoping that the motion-sensored light turns on soon.  I believe the issue is that the sensor is too far from the door itself.  Last year, once the lights came on, you would be encouraged to wonder, “who would ever put their mouth on that disgusting painting?   Who would put their mouth on a restroom wall?”  The customers at the Lexington, that’s who.  For those of you who have never been into the ladies’ room at the Lex, as it is fondly called, on one wall of the room there used to be a painting, checkerboard style if my memory serves me.  On some of the checkers were kiss marks from women who had applied lipstick and then pressed their lips to the painting, it seems, for the specific purpose of contracting something very very disgusting, such that they could skip work in a few days.  There was a recent remodel, but they painted everything in there dark colors and it seems just as gross now, if not more so, and honestly I'm not convinced that people aren't still putting their mouths all over the wall, because I mean, I've been there and I know what it's like. As far as the facilities, when they are not littered with toilet paper, they are solid, and I’ve never had a problem using them.  I would NOT sit down on the seat, not sure if that’s the fault of the establishment or the clientele it attracts.  This bathroom terrifies me more than all the other open mic bathrooms.  I hold as long as I can when I'm here.  Convenient to skid row, or skid mark row for some open micers am i right? haha wow I hate myself.  Please see the below quote and photo of Olivia Haidar, to explain what the lexington bathroom is actually like:

"Stay classy, Lexington." - Olivia Haidar

"Stay classy, Lexington." - Olivia Haidar


2/5 Smiley Poops

2/5 Smiley Poops

Liquid Zoo

Liquid Zoo has open mic nights on Wednesdays and Sundays, and maybe another day, I don’t go to every open mic, ok?  I’m trying.  This is my accountability system for trying new places.  Get off my case, OK?  I recommend the Wednesday one, good host.  A dear friend of mine named Kelly McInerney calls this bar liquid poo, I’m not certain if that’s due to the diarrhea you get after drinking the complimentary shot they give you when you check in on facebook (what’s in that thing? do they still do that?) or because the open mic can sometimes be shitty.  As you walk into the bar, your first thought will probably be “fuck, I hope I don’t have to use the restroom here.”  You will.  There’s a one drink minimum which might lead to one or four more, and sometimes the mic goes really long and the sets are seven minutes so even if you’re tenth on the list you’re going to be there over an hour.  This restroom is one with a waiting room style.  It’s a single bathroom with a single door, but there is also a very small area for which the purpose is unclear, with a long countertop and mirror.  I get the idea that it might be a diaper changing station, because this is the kind of place where you would probably find women that bring their babies into a bar.  Then there is another door with the single restroom inside.  Both doors lock, I’m not sure why.  Most places with this style of restroom only the actual bathroom-part door locks.  Maybe it’s to protect the potential new mother and newborn.  Or possibly in case there is some sort of crazy person, he or she would have to break down two doors to get to the woman inside.  This is a place where fights go down and prostitutes hang out and such.  It’s wild.  Anyway I always lock both doors.  I usually throw my purse on the counter, sorry baby’s butt. I don’t sit on the seat here, though it’s usually pretty clean.  The most disgusting part about this place is the… hand towel thing?  I don’t know what you call this thing.  It looks like a paper towel machine but contains a fabric of a thicker variety, which seemingly gets recycled for reuse by other bar patrons.  The first time I used this restroom I grabbed it thinking it was a paper towel.  There are few regrets I have in my life; this is one.  Once you pull down on the towel you notice that the end of the towel feeds back into the machine and this is not really the kind of place where you want to be sharing germs with the other patrons.  After I did it that one time I spent the rest of the night trying to pretend in my mind that there is some way they keep it sanitary or that maybe the machine doesn’t work that way.  It does.  Don’t touch it.  There are no alternatives for hand drying.  Sorry ‘bout it.  Use the inside of your jeans pockets.  You will leave the restroom feeling worse than when you walked in. Pee before you get there.  Seriously.


1/5 Smiley Poos

1/5 Smiley Poos

Hollywood Hotel

The Hollywood Hotel is always having mics and no one really likes going there but everyone does anyway once in a while.  Sometimes it heats up and usually the hosts for all the mics are good. The problem is that there seems to be a lot of men that are bad at comedy bringing the room down and no one paying attention because they all sit in the back of the bar.  They usually give you like five minutes and you can get laughs there if you try.  It’s also a great place to go if you’re in the mood to throw away a set, not that I’ve ever done that it just seems like a lot of people do that there.  Anyway the bathroom is nice because it’s a hotel bathroom.  There are full length mirrors and plentiful stalls with doors that go all the way to the floor.  People do drugs in there sometimes but usually the designer ones so it’s not very problematic.  The weird thing about the bathroom at the Hollywood Hotel is that the soap is the only thing automatic.  Just seems weird to me.  Soap must be costing a lot nowadays that they are trying to restrict bathroom-goers’ usage.  Seems to me that they don’t care about the drought or saving the planet (paper towels) nearly as much as they care about saving money on soap.  It’s a basement kind of so its cool with me.  I’d sit down on the seat here, but I don’t.


4/5 Smiley Poos

4/5 Smiley Poos