The Lexington

The Lexington boasts open mics on Tuesday and Saturday nights.  There are shows there those nights too.  I think the hosts are cool. Idk. Anyway, some say the restroom at the Lexington is fine.  I say it is the most terrifying of all the open mic restrooms.  This debate will continue for all of time.  Now, the reason I dislike the Lexington restroom is not because of the restroom itself (though, we’ll get to that later), the main reason is the automatic, motion-sensored light in the restroom.  Usually I’m all for saving electricity, planet earth, you know, yay!  But in this particular restroom I feel that the motion-sensored light is a detriment.  The women’s restroom is tucked in the back of the Lexington, near the lurking, shadeful smoker hangers-on that tend to be in the back patio of the venue.  I’ve been known to be back there myself (proof that it’s shadeful).  It seems to me that it would be quite easy for someone to slip into the women’s room and hide until the light goes off, either for a prank or with malintent.  Thusly, when this blogger’s bladder is full, it is a matter of severe anxiety to walk into the dark ladies room, hear the door shut and then wildly wave my hands hoping that the motion-sensored light turns on soon.  I believe the issue is that the sensor is too far from the door itself.  Last year, once the lights came on, you would be encouraged to wonder, “who would ever put their mouth on that disgusting painting?   Who would put their mouth on a restroom wall?”  The customers at the Lexington, that’s who.  For those of you who have never been into the ladies’ room at the Lex, as it is fondly called, on one wall of the room there used to be a painting, checkerboard style if my memory serves me.  On some of the checkers were kiss marks from women who had applied lipstick and then pressed their lips to the painting, it seems, for the specific purpose of contracting something very very disgusting, such that they could skip work in a few days.  There was a recent remodel, but they painted everything in there dark colors and it seems just as gross now, if not more so, and honestly I'm not convinced that people aren't still putting their mouths all over the wall, because I mean, I've been there and I know what it's like. As far as the facilities, when they are not littered with toilet paper, they are solid, and I’ve never had a problem using them.  I would NOT sit down on the seat, not sure if that’s the fault of the establishment or the clientele it attracts.  This bathroom terrifies me more than all the other open mic bathrooms.  I hold as long as I can when I'm here.  Convenient to skid row, or skid mark row for some open micers am i right? haha wow I hate myself.  Please see the below quote and photo of Olivia Haidar, to explain what the lexington bathroom is actually like:

"Stay classy, Lexington." - Olivia Haidar

"Stay classy, Lexington." - Olivia Haidar


2/5 Smiley Poops

2/5 Smiley Poops

Little Joy

Little Joy does not have open mic nights but there are shows there on Monday and Thursday nights.  One of the Thursday night hosts is also a bartender there and she is super cool.  The bathroom at little joy is cool.  It is nice, it is clean.  There are multiple stalls and there isn’t usually a line.  It seems like the bathroom of a hip place.  Maybe that’s because it is the bathroom of a hip place.  The weird thing is, one night this blogger was patronizing little joy and I was washing my hands and there was a sign advertising these really awesome drink specials.  $3 shots or something that I really wanted.  I don’t remember exactly what.  A friend and I were JACKED for these drink specials.  It was the right day too on the flyer somehow like we lucked out.  Then we went in and ordered the drinks and the bartender very nicely explained that those were the drink specials for a different bar down the street. I am just very unclear still on this whole idea.  Maybe I misheard him or something but it doesn’t really make sense to me at all that a bar would advertise for cheaper drinks at at different location. I think he tried to explain why.  I don’t really remember.  I know it's the same owner, it's just weird- like little joy does well but the Holloway is struggling so they want to somehow get the people from little joy to go to the Holloway? They aren't that far from each other, maybe they could get a shuttle going instead of bathroom ads. I do remember he was nice and a good bartender.    If anyone has any idea about this please please let me know.  I’ve deducted a poo emoji due to this, but if we can get to the bottom of it I will adjust my rating.  Anyway its always clean in there and blah blah I don’t like the electric hand dryer but I don’t take off points for that cause its more of a personal preference thing. I’d sit down. Also little joy bathrooms always have writing on the walls. One time someone wrote "sluts are cool" which was awesome, but the photo below was the clear winner, truly how I feel every time I walk into trendy little joy. 

 


4/5 Smiley Poos

4/5 Smiley Poos

None of us do.  

None of us do.  

Comedy Store Belly Room

You know you really need to get laid if you’re brushing your teeth in the Belly Room Bathroom during the Show Up Go Up (Sunday Nights).  I’ve done it.  I admittedly don’t go to the store a lot, like I said, I’m trying.  Most of the shows I go to are in the Belly Room as well as the Sunday Night mic which is also in the Belly Room as I previously stated.  I think I’ve used another restroom here but I don’t really remember it.  I like the Belly Room bathroom because the Belly Room is all the way upstairs and it’s nice that you don’t really have to exit the show or mic to use the facilities.  It seems gross for some reason and I’m not sure why.  Just like everything seems a little damaged or old.  I think one handle of the sink wasn’t working that time I brushed my teeth there and I had to use hot water to brush, which I’ve never really done before.  I’d like to thank Mitzi for the experience.  Everything was clean and mostly working, so I guess its fine.  Face it, I felt comfortable brushing my teeth there so I can’t give it less than 3 poop emojis.


3/5 Smiley Poos

3/5 Smiley Poos


Milk Bar

Milk Bar is the Silverlake Lounge of San Francisco except they have more booked shows and less open mics. It's supposed to be a music place but they started getting comedians in there and it's pretty tight. It seems like a lot of comics hang out there. Anyway they have drinks and I don't know if it's a reference to Harvey Milk or not. I'm actually just a visitor. I used the bathroom here a bunch because I was getting a lot of drinks bought by SF comics such as Stokes and Scott Simpson. People do that to out of towners. I like it. Anyway, the bathroom here is ok, the main issue I take with it is that being from out of town I was a gal on the go and it was hard to do my makeup in there with the red lighting (again, very Silverlake lounge). I assume I looked like a clown on stage. Also the hand dryer thing is busted as hell and has a sign on it to please press the button lightly, which makes me think people are wilding out in there on the regular. It was clean tho and didn't have a line. Did not sit down.

4/5 Smiley Poos

4/5 Smiley Poos


Liquid Zoo

Liquid Zoo has open mic nights on Wednesdays and Sundays, and maybe another day, I don’t go to every open mic, ok?  I’m trying.  This is my accountability system for trying new places.  Get off my case, OK?  I recommend the Wednesday one, good host.  A dear friend of mine named Kelly McInerney calls this bar liquid poo, I’m not certain if that’s due to the diarrhea you get after drinking the complimentary shot they give you when you check in on facebook (what’s in that thing? do they still do that?) or because the open mic can sometimes be shitty.  As you walk into the bar, your first thought will probably be “fuck, I hope I don’t have to use the restroom here.”  You will.  There’s a one drink minimum which might lead to one or four more, and sometimes the mic goes really long and the sets are seven minutes so even if you’re tenth on the list you’re going to be there over an hour.  This restroom is one with a waiting room style.  It’s a single bathroom with a single door, but there is also a very small area for which the purpose is unclear, with a long countertop and mirror.  I get the idea that it might be a diaper changing station, because this is the kind of place where you would probably find women that bring their babies into a bar.  Then there is another door with the single restroom inside.  Both doors lock, I’m not sure why.  Most places with this style of restroom only the actual bathroom-part door locks.  Maybe it’s to protect the potential new mother and newborn.  Or possibly in case there is some sort of crazy person, he or she would have to break down two doors to get to the woman inside.  This is a place where fights go down and prostitutes hang out and such.  It’s wild.  Anyway I always lock both doors.  I usually throw my purse on the counter, sorry baby’s butt. I don’t sit on the seat here, though it’s usually pretty clean.  The most disgusting part about this place is the… hand towel thing?  I don’t know what you call this thing.  It looks like a paper towel machine but contains a fabric of a thicker variety, which seemingly gets recycled for reuse by other bar patrons.  The first time I used this restroom I grabbed it thinking it was a paper towel.  There are few regrets I have in my life; this is one.  Once you pull down on the towel you notice that the end of the towel feeds back into the machine and this is not really the kind of place where you want to be sharing germs with the other patrons.  After I did it that one time I spent the rest of the night trying to pretend in my mind that there is some way they keep it sanitary or that maybe the machine doesn’t work that way.  It does.  Don’t touch it.  There are no alternatives for hand drying.  Sorry ‘bout it.  Use the inside of your jeans pockets.  You will leave the restroom feeling worse than when you walked in. Pee before you get there.  Seriously.


1/5 Smiley Poos

1/5 Smiley Poos

Hollywood Hotel

The Hollywood Hotel is always having mics and no one really likes going there but everyone does anyway once in a while.  Sometimes it heats up and usually the hosts for all the mics are good. The problem is that there seems to be a lot of men that are bad at comedy bringing the room down and no one paying attention because they all sit in the back of the bar.  They usually give you like five minutes and you can get laughs there if you try.  It’s also a great place to go if you’re in the mood to throw away a set, not that I’ve ever done that it just seems like a lot of people do that there.  Anyway the bathroom is nice because it’s a hotel bathroom.  There are full length mirrors and plentiful stalls with doors that go all the way to the floor.  People do drugs in there sometimes but usually the designer ones so it’s not very problematic.  The weird thing about the bathroom at the Hollywood Hotel is that the soap is the only thing automatic.  Just seems weird to me.  Soap must be costing a lot nowadays that they are trying to restrict bathroom-goers’ usage.  Seems to me that they don’t care about the drought or saving the planet (paper towels) nearly as much as they care about saving money on soap.  It’s a basement kind of so its cool with me.  I’d sit down on the seat here, but I don’t.


4/5 Smiley Poos

4/5 Smiley Poos

Lotto Grotto

Terrence Newman allows us to use his own personal restroom.  He keeps it clean and stocks it with toilet paper and soap and paper towels.  It’s not a professional restroom or whatever if we have to classify it, but it’s nicer than a lot of the other comedy bathrooms that are supposedly made for public use.  One time I was waiting for the bathroom and it turned out Terrance was in there taking a shower.  I know because he came out in a towel.  I'm sorry I invaded your privacy Terrance.  It’s really nice of him to let us use it and keep it clean therefore it is an automatic 5 poop emojis.

 


5/5 Smiley Poops

5/5 Smiley Poops

Rafa's

This bathroom is an interesting one.  I’m not going to hate on it too much because I have a crush on the host of the Thursday night half-booked half-open-mic. Last night they let me DJ there because AC wasn't there. They got me free drinks and I was toasted. I used the restroom multiple times. Rafa’s has two stalls, which is nice.  The bad part is that none of the doors go fully to the ground, even the one that you enter to get into the restroom/stall area.  You can hear everything in there that’s going on outside, which I’m not sure is by design, could be a happy accident.  There is rarely a line and there has always been plentiful paper products when I’ve used the facilities.  The mirror is good for checking your makeup and there’s kind of plenty of room in there.  I would sit down on the seat here.  I don’t, but I would if I was drunk or something.  The lights are a little too bright for my taste.  I wish they could dim them somehow.  Rafa’s is 420 friendly and honestly some nights I get a little dizzy just standing in there.  The lights in the restroom are too bright for this type of situation.  Rafa’s is a basement so I like it.  Bathroom is clean.  It's weird that there is a regular towel, like an orange bath towel, in there to dry your hands.  Also though, there are paper towels so it is unoffensive to me.


4/5 Smiley Poops

4/5 Smiley Poops


The Other Door AKA "Mouthypants"

The Other Door boasts a mic called “Mouthypants” on Tuesday nights from like 8PM-2AM.  It’s really long and I can’t believe the hosts put up with people for that length of time.  When Quincy Johnson used to help out he would get people in and out and I liked it because he would sign me up on the late list a lot.  He also started a late night brunch club which I’m unclear if that is still happening.  He would always get really fattening things like pastrami and milkshakes and I’d always be like “ummmmm nothing for me” and then he’s still skinny and I’m still fat so I can’t tell what’s going on there.  The Other Door has a lot of doors like you would think but the women’s room is in that weird hallway. It seems extremely ADA accessible.  This is important to me.  The ADA bathroom is large enough that you could comfortably go in in a wheelchair and it not be a problem.  Also you can open the cabinet below the sink to roll in closer to the sink.  I like that.  More bathrooms should think about actual people in wheelchairs instead of just the ADA specifics to have your bathroom be accessible.  I really like that it’s accessible.  Normally I would just give it 5 poops just for that but it doesn’t seem fair because there is one thing about the Other Door that not a lot of people know.  The place is super haunted.  It’s haunted as fuck in that bar and I’ve had a weird experience there and the room where I think the spirits mostly hang out is that room full of broken shit in the back which is right next to the bathrooms.  I’m only deducting one point for this because the bathroom is so accessible.  Normally I would seriously probably give like 2 poos even tho the restroom is fine its just the spirits that freak me out.  And I don’t mean the ones behind the bar.  If we can have a cleansing there maybe sage the space or bring in a priest I would be happy to change the rating to five.  Unfortunately, I’m unable to sit down on the seat there because I’m terrified of some Moaning Myrtle style shit going down.


4/5 Smiley Poos

4/5 Smiley Poos