Flappers

The bathroom at flappers is in an interesting location, off the side of the Yoo-hoo room or the back exit of the main room. Mainly I like flappers for one reason, and that reason is Flappy hour. I don’t know what any of the drink specials are and I rarely drink there, but I think the idea of just calling something flappy hour is the funniest thing that’s ever happened in the building, and I’m pretty sure Bill Burr performs there. While I’m no longer a Flappers regular, and not a huge fan of the bringer-show model for comedy clubs, flappers gets point for hilarity by adding “flair” to their employee’s outfits and venue’s walls. The Yoo-Hoo room (Yoo-hoo, I mean !!!) is stacked top-to-toe with what appears to be old bottles and glasses that the restaurant can no longer use. The stage is so crowded with this junk that I can’t even imagine a big guy like Steve Hernandez attempting one of his classic act outs in the Yoo-Hoo room. The walls outside the Yoo-hoo are very Bucca-di-Beppo-esque, and the servers are encouraged to wear unfortunate 1920s/TIGFridays code of dress. I’m talkin flapper headbands, fedoras, fringe, a feather in their cap, strings of pearl necklaces. Last I performed there for Kristal Adams’ Cookies and Sweatpants show which was AWESOME. Free cookies! Go to it. Kristal is a great host and I got to wear sweats! Great crowd. There’s a main room (p standard) and a bar area (martini with red vine in it, anyone? I mean LOL HILARIOUS 🙄), but I digress. The loo. I’ve had a hard time writing this review because I want to make sure it is inclusive! The ladies’ at Flappers boasts a few stalls, plenty of tp, liners and soap that smells like a hospital. Basically it has all the goods. When you walk in the word WOMEN is printed on a frosted window in the door. When you exit, the word MEN is printed on the door side in matching font. You can still see the WOMEN printed through the glass though. I mean WHAT A GAG 🙄. Does the Men’s restroom have this same joke? Would love to know. Now, I thought about this long and hard and I don’t think this is a joke at the expense of anyone (would love to know your thoughts if you think otherwise). I think it’s supposed to just make you think that you went into the “wrong” restroom (is there really any wrong restroom? I don’t think so). It’s supposed to make you think you went into the restroom that was not the one you feel comfortable in. I don’t think flappers is trying to oppress people based on any gender binary norms. It is, however, a mediocre joke at best, especially with the print visible through the window. If it was a real prank, I’d like to see people running outside and checking the door, unsure from the inside. If it makes anyone feel uncomfortable, it’s definitely not worth it. As a cis straight woman, I don’t know if it makes people feel uncomfortable or not. Please LMK your thoughts. Maybe this is some rogue joke of Uncle Clyde’s, gone wrong. Maybe this is oppression of the trans community. Maybe you can win a basket of fries if you bring 12 people and they all buy two items, and maybe that’s the greatest crime of them all. 

women that you should book instead of that dumb open micer you kinda know

Here's the thing.  I'm exhausted from writing bathroom reviews, mostly because I'm always crying in bathrooms and I sometimes forget to double check the facilities and make sure there's enough tp and stuff.  Also you know, I've been going to less mics because things in my life are taking a turn for the depressing.  I'm trying, I promise!  Anyway here are some women that I have seen perform lately, women that I think are funny and are working on stuff, people I've seen performing recently or in the past that are great.  They are all different levels and have been doing comedy for different lengths of time.  I'm not including Amy Schumer and Sarah Silverman and a ton of other hugely famous ladies because IDK them, don’t know how to book them. Please book them too though. I know some of these women certainly don't need my endorsement.  I get it. It's just a resource and it's not in order and its not a list of who is "cool" or whatever, it's not supposed to be like a thing that hurts peoples feelings and it’s a work in progress which I’ll probably add to later because I probably forgot a lot of ppl and I have anxiety. They are all LA based or have been at some point.

  • Jenny Yang
  • Katie Merriam
  • Madison Shepard
  • Sofiya Alexandra
  • Danielle Perez
  • Danielle Radford
  • Atsuko Okatsuka
  • Ever Mainard
  • Lindsay Adams
  • Julia Loken
  • Bianca Cristovao
  • Kelly McInerney
  • Erin Lampart
  • Tess Barker
  • Barbara Gray
  • Brandie Posey
  • Jenny Zigrino
  • Dulce Sloan
  • Marcella Arguello
  • Deborah Etta Robinson
  • Vivian Martinez
  • Christina Catherine Martinez
  • Jil Chrissie
  • Debra DiGiovanni
  • Steph Tolev
  • Haley Driscoll
  • Jessica Sele
  • Christine Medrano
  • Teresa Lee
  • Amy Silverberg
  • Nina Manni
  • Rachel Mac
  • Paige Weldon
  • Logan Guntzelman
  • Kimrie Lewis Davis
  • Kate Willett
  • Alyssa Rusak
  • Felicia Folkes
  • Emily Faye
  • Richelle Meiss
  • Julia Austin
  • Julia Pels
  • Madison Davis
  • Nikki Black
  • Ellie McElvain
  • Vanessa Gritton
  • Peggy Sinnott
  • Peggy O’Leary
  • ME DUMBASS (Lisa Chanoux)
  • Steph Tolev again
  • Kristin Rand
  • Kristal Adams
  • Anna Seregina
  • Anna Valenzuela
  • Amy Miller
  • Jessica Michelle Singleton
  • Valerie Tosi
  • Chase Bernstein
  • Sonya Vai
  • Ashley Hamilton
  • Kristal Adams
  • Wanjiko Eke
  • Clare O'Kane
  • Adrienne Airhart
  • Megan Rice
  • Megan Koester
  • Alison Stevenson
  • Katy French
  • Riley Jess Silverman
  • Christine Little
  • Theresa Bateman
  • Margo Bateman
  • Becca Greenberg
  • Katrina Davis
  • Caitlin Durante 
  • Jamie Loftus
  • Kristin Clifford  
  • Bri Pruett
  •  Fizaa Dosani
  • Robyn Morrison
  • Rachele Friedland  
  • Katie Vallely
  • The Puterbaugh sisters
  • Ceda Xiong
  • Samantha Hale
  •  Sara June
  • Pallavi Gunalan
  • Andrea Guzzetta
  • Heather Marulli
  •  Erika Curry
  • Hana Michaels
  • Amber Preston
  • Courtney Peterson  
  • Tara McGorry
  • Magi Calcagne
  •  Jessica Lange
  • Cindy  Aravena
  •  Danielle Soto
  • Grace Lusk 
  • Leah Kayajanian
  • Lisa Curry
  • Nicole Aimee Schreiber
  • Diana Dinerman
  • Robby Hoffman
  • Lynn Maleh
  • Courtney Banks
  • Ester Steinberg
  • Wendi Starling
  • Ali Macofsky
  • Kat Yeary
  • Aiko Tanaka
  • Jihan Sabir
  • Aubrey Jacobowitz
  • Hannah Einbeinder
  • Corie Johnson  
  • Jenell Randall

Women Aren't Funny

I have been working at comedy for a some time now, and I am proud of my small accomplishments in this field. I would say I am on par with my peers, and consider myself an excellent writer with decent performance skills. I have performed at both comedy and music festivals, and had a great time on some of the best showcase shows in LA. I’ve performed at numerous comedy clubs, theaters, bars etc all around the country. In my spare time I choose to watch comedy, or do comedy adjacent activities such as writing, filming sketches, or recording podcasts. Some older comedians even let me help out with their show, performing and hosting there regularly (this Sunday at 9PM @ chatterbox Covina with my favorite comedian Scott Luhrs headlining). I consider myself a very hard worker and try not to beat myself up when other people get opportunities that I want.

Each day I see work that inspires me from my friends and colleagues. Comedy is the thing I love to do the most. I even love open mics! I like to listen to other people’s jokes too and think about if I could make them funnier. Sometimes someone says something and it reminds me of a story from my childhood, or of a past love, or of a deceased family member. If it makes me laugh too, double points. I live for those moments. Sometimes I get to see my friends join the stage with grace and enjoy every moment like Bianca Cristovao does. I see something fearless fly from Alyssa Rusak. What a joy it is when Julia Loken saves me from a joke with no traction while we are on stage together. All of my friends are talented and funny, I count myself lucky.

Yesterday I stepped into an open mic where the energy coming from some of the men in the room felt exhausted. I find that often times people hold back from enjoying others’ sets at an open mic. Sometimes people talk in the back. Whether it be because of social reasons, personal stuff, because they just want to get on stage as soon as possible, or because they are burnt out, I’m not sure. I feel that women are taught to be polite and listen and thusly are more attentive or at least try to appear to be. Sometimes I think 20% of the men in the room are trying to have a bad time on purpose. They’ve somehow convinced themselves they are better than being at the open mic they are currently at, desperately waiting to get up. They no longer want to laugh. This happens with women sometimes too, but I think if you had to pick an audience, room full of boys or room full of girls, you’d probably choose the girls.

I love comedy more than any other thing I do. It is my favorite thing in the world. Before I went to the open mic last night, I thought about how I just wanted to have a good time doing comedy, watching it, and laughing along with my peers. I was happy to see a few of my favorite comedians (Brendan Cooney, Yusef Roach, Bianca Cristovao) at the mic, because they make me laugh and inspire me. Directly after my set (which I thought went pretty good) a comic (that I like and respect and this is not about burning someone or being shitty) did a joke about how women aren’t funny because they are trying their whole lives to be pretty. I don’t think the comic meant to be misogynistic, I think he was working towards something that honestly (if you’re reading this) I think it just isn’t there yet. Maybe he could get there I don’t know, I think he’s a funny guy but, having not had the female experience, I don’t know what he knows about what women spend their whole lives trying to be. Respected, maybe? Acceptable to society’s harsh standards, certainly.

Women don’t have a choice but to try to be pretty. If you show up to a job interview without makeup on, you’re less likely to get that job. Being “pretty” is akin to hygiene for women. We wear wires and spandex and sparkly things.  We shove cotton inside our bodies to “present ourselves” a certain way while you fucks leave the house without flossing.

Also, I have spent YEARS of my life trying to be funny. I have done it without expectation of reward, without gaining major success in my industry, and done it all while costing myself money. I’ve paid my way to festivals, shows, and open mics. I’ve worked on jokes about my rape, the loss of my father, and growing up in a middle eastern household (sometimes all in one set). I’ve dug deep and worked hard and at the end of the day there’s always gotta be one guy with a “women aren’t funny” premise. I’m exhausted. I don’t know what to do anymore. If you want to say “women aren’t funny,” you better fucking make me laugh when you say it. You better not have an attitude after the female host of the mic where you CHOSE to come gets back on stage after your set and explains how exclusionary your point of view is.

To be honest, I don’t give a shit who you think is funny. Comics need to give up the bad attitude. You either love this or you don’t. You’re not at a open mic because you have to be there. It’s not court ordered. It’s not detention. You’re not “doing your homework,” or “putting in your time.” You’re not “paying your dues.” Comedy is fun. You GET to be here. Believe me, no one gives two shits if you take the day off. Enjoy it and start respecting your fellow comics.  If you don't, please don't come sit by me.  

I'm not offended.  My feelings aren't hurt. I'm just tired. Part of the problem is this tired stereotype that a pretty woman can't be funny.  That makes me being a comedian an insult whether I'm good at it or not. Either I'm funny and ugly or pretty and bad at comedy. My very existence must be so exhausting for men. 

If you are reading this and you're like "ugh, this sucks, but what can I do to help?" Keep booking women!  Book twice as many women on your shows as you do now! Even, GASP, have a show with more women than men.  Book them and don't even tell them you think they are pretty, or that they aren't fat or whatever thing guys say when they try to sleep with you.  Have them on your show alongside the men, and make this the new normal.  And for the love of Christ please book diverse women.  Book women who are new to comedy.  Give them a shot like you would to your open mic-er buddy.  Book a woman when a man drops out last minute.  Book a black woman, an Asian woman, a lesbian, a trans-woman.  Book a Latina. Book a woman over 40. If you're feeling especially down, book a half-Arab, half-White, almost 30 year old woman. I guarantee, we will show you, women are funny, if you just give them the chance to be.

Meltdown

Meltdown comics has two bathrooms.  I use the comic book store one because of the reasons listed below.  I don't know if the comic book store one counts as a comedy bathroom, though.  

One time I was at a show at Meltdown, lets call the show Tuck of the Bra, and I was there and I really needed to pee.  I think it was someone on stage that was doing ok but was mean to one of my friends so I was like "MEH, now seems like a good time to go!"  Apparently other people had a similar vibe of the comic on stage because as I walked into the bathroom YET ANOTHER PERSON IN THERE DIDN'T LOCK THE DOOR.  This time it was Michael Monsour and I'm only willing to call him out on it because he is Arab and from Texas like me.  Also because he blocked the door from opening fully and I didn't see anything. 

Here's the lesson, folks, LOCK THE FUCKING DOOR.  How about that? I went in after Michael and guess what the first thing I did was?  YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT IT WAS LOCKING THE DOOR.

Do guys WANT to be walked in on? Is this a new form of sexual harassment ala Harvey Weinstein? Am I just mentioning this to get more clicks on my blog? (yes) Do they think its like an airplane bathroom that if you just leave the door unlocked maybe there is the chance of having some random sex in there?? I don't know!!  What I do know is I peed as fast as possible and then went outside to wash my hands.  I'm not a huge fan of the hand washing thing being outside of the bathroom, I like putting on lipstick and stuff after I wash my hands.  Also, I'm not a huge fan of hearing people wash their hands during someone's set.  But I guess the bathroom is FINE

You can use the one in the store, which is also like FINE except that there's a sign right before you go in that says "Smile you're on camera" and I know its because comic books are stolen often or whatever, but like it really makes me feel like they are watching me when I pee, and when I pee I usually get fully naked so I don't really want them watching me.  

Anyway, I was kind of drunk when I wrote this one, I dno what poo rating to give

LOCK THE FUCKING DOOR

Improv Space

The improv space has a bathroom but it is the worst offender of the "behind the performer" phenomenon we explore here at Bathroom Humor. It's not only behind the performer, but actually backstage behind the curtain.  You'd have to get on stage to get to the bathroom, so you either have to run up while someone is doing an intro, in between comics, or right after someone finishes, which are all different ways of describing that same, very brief period of time when it would be most appropriate to run up there.  I used to perform on a weekly team at the Improv Space so I know that sometimes if you go around, they leave the backdoor open and you can avoid interrupting someone.  If you don't know about that, it's doubly as embarrassing to try to come back from behind the curtain after you've used the restroom.  Mostly, you're going to want to use the bathroom before or after the mic, or directly after your set and like, idk, announce it on stage or something so that people expect it, or you can run next door to in-n-out and use their restroom.  I use this option a lot actually because of an incident that happened at the improv space restroom.  I will say before I explain the incident that I think they've done some re-modeling and I don't know what the situation is like now but I know the restroom is still in the same location, and I doubt they've done a ton of work to prevent this type of incident from happening. Anyway here goes, One day I was going to the open mic and I was rushing, because I had to get to the bathroom before the mic started for the reasons I've already stated above ad nauseam. I rushed backstage and opened the door to find a male open micer taking a number two in the bathroom.  I know it was a number two because he was seated and I would just like to say, who the hell goes poo and doesn't lock the door? SERIOUSLY.  It's disgusting.  I'm sure he was embarrassed and he doesn't ever look me in the eye since but that is all HIS DOING.  Like literally lock the door what the hell is wrong with you? I know the lock is small and hard to find but like if you're about to poop just double and triple check until you find it I mean MY GOD. Other than that terrifying incident, the bathroom is fine, but for some reason they are always out of ONE thing.  It's usually NBD because it's like if there's no TP there's at least a paper towel or something you can use, but honestly, just keep it stocked, really.  No one wants to wipe with a paper towel.  We all have to do it once in a while but, you know, keep an eye on it.  Overall, I can't, in good consciousness, be a fair and impartial reviewer of this bathroom because of the atrocity that happened to me there.  I wanted to warn people about door-locking habits and let everyone know what they can do to avoid this in the future.  LOCK THE DOOR OR GO TO IN N OUT.  I wouldn't sit down here having seen what has happened here.  TBH I usually just go to in n out now because I'm triggered.  Good Luck and happy peein'.

Hollywood Improv

The Hollywood Improv is one of my favorite comedy clubs to perform at!  Sometimes they have me in the Lab there and it's such a nice time.  I like this bathroom because it's a comedy club, so it's not some bullshit bathroom with some whack ass arrangement.  It's also nothing to write home about.  The main thing I love about this bathroom is that it's the bathroom for not only the Lab, but also for the main room customers as well as customers of the bar.  The best part about this is, if a bathroom-goer dips into the loo, odds are there's going to be a couple other women in there talking about what's happening wherever they are hanging out, and the bathroom-goer can eavesdrop and get the 411.  This is really important especially because I've overheard some really fun stuff in the bathroom.  One time I was peeing, even sat down with a liner and all, and a couple ladies were in there talking and one of the gals was all giddy and she squealed, "I'm totally going to fuck Marc Maron."  It was just hilarious because so many women think they are going to fuck Marc Maron.  And don't get me wrong, I'm sure he fucks a lot of them, but like, it's not exactly a feat to brag about in the bathroom.  Maybe after you did it you could be excited in the bathroom, idk.  I'm pretty sure Marc had a girlfriend at the time, but what do I know? I mean, it's Marc Maron.  He's cool and funny and everything, but he goes through girlfriends faster than I go through sleeves of Girl Scout Cookies.  Does he even fuck good? Please advise.  I don't wanna be too hard on Marc here, because I do like his comedy and his show, but like, yeah IDK about fucking him.  Seems like a bit of a nightmare.  Cat guy.  That's the fun thing about making the trek out to Hollywood.  You get to share a bathroom with a girl who really doesn't care if Marc is good in bed, she just wants to fuck any guy that's on a billboard. I love it also because I wonder if, in the men's room, the guys talk about which girl comics they think are funny.  Like a role reversal thing. The girls are all "oh yeah look at that fuckable old guy" while the guys swap beauty tips and say "I really loved that one girl's joke about feminism." I know it's not true but, when this bathroom-nista is peeing at the Improv, it almost seems within the realm of possibility.  Hey, a girl can dream, right?  Anyway the bathroom is always clean and stocked, the lighting is a bit bright for my taste but I'm not going to take off points for that since it seems like a personal preference thing.  There's not usually a wait, which means they've figured out the toilet to customer ratio just right.  It would normally be a three but I'm adding a smiley poo for the fact that you can overhear other people's stupid conversations about which male comics are bangable after fifty. Four poop emojis!


 4/5 Similing Poos

4/5 Similing Poos

Women Are Meaner Than Men

I see a lot of women write these “essays” or “articles” or whatever.  I don’t always read them.  Sometimes I skim them.  I mostly look at the headlines. Men get crucified a lot on the internet, and I get it. Men are bad! I talk about it a lot in my standup.  They are hypocritical and dangerous.  Men do relationship-y things and then tell us they just want to be friends.  They are rapists and murders. I understand that.  I’ve taken self defense classes and listened to a lot of sad songs because of men. 

Also, in my life, a lot of women have been mean to me!  I don’t see articles about that.  I haven’t seen an article titled “my roommate slept with my boyfriend and I cried more when she did that than when he raped me.”  I would click on that!  Read the whole thing.  There’s no article for betrayal from a female friend, or for what to do when the gals gang up on a friend in the girls only secret facebook group.  I still haven’t seen the epic breakdown of the tightrope you have to walk to have a great mother-daughter relationship.  Female-female relationships can be difficult.  Society has put us at odds with one another in a way.  Women often feel in competition with other women, supposedly.

I think it’s okay for women to compete with each other.  I think women are smart and caring and motherly and vicious.  I think that makes women better than men.  This can be argued.  I, personally, would never want to be a man.  Women have a vast range of emotional and physical strengths that men do not. I like being a woman, and I think it’s ok to compete, to want to be really good or the best at some things.  Unfortunately, I think people in general, both male and female, compete about the wrong things.  I guess “8 hottest bods” will sell a magazine faster than “8 ladies who will help you out when you need it.” Believe me, I want to be the hot and chill cool girl, but most of all, I just don’t want to be judged by other women.

It takes a lot to be considered a cool woman by other women.  A couple of women came to mind just now, and I immediately questioned myself.  Would THEY be writing this stupid blog? Probably not.  But they seem to do whatever they feel like, these women I admire, and I feel like writing this!

When I say “women are meaner than men,” I don’t believe that we should accept it as true fact without any questioning.  Growing up I was in a lot of “gifted” and “advanced” programs, brag. In these programs, one of the main areas of focus was critical thinking.  I was taught that to question is “advanced learning.”  Women shouldn’t be questioned based on gender, but also women shouldn’t be trusted explicitly based upon gender.  Question people as you are inclined to, but question based on information instead of gender, race, creed, or any other way someone is different from you.

I would never want my womanhood to be taken from me, the way I imagine a mother cannot fathom where she would be in life having never had her kid.  The way I imagine gay people would feel about having to go back “in the closet,” or a bunch of other bad analogies about people whose lives I personally know nothing about.  Sometimes I am dissonant, because internally, I struggle with the idea that I am being a “bad” woman by doing things that I don’t think are bad.  I don’t want to be made to feel guilty by other women that I love men.  I love women too, but not in the same way. I love men! I don’t think you should feel bad for loving anyone, that’s for sure. I like it when men give me attention.  I love attention!  Is that bad too?  

Am I a bad feminist if I love wearing makeup?  Because I do! I love girly things.  Strappy shoes and lace underwear!  Men don’t get those things.  I like being able to manipulate people into thinking I am more beautiful and cooler than I am by using clothing and makeup. I enjoy getting compliments.  I like to look good, even by society’s harsh standards.  I love diamonds and pearls. These things are not responsibly attained. “But they’re pretty!” says my little baby girl brain, “THEY ARE ALL SPARKLES!” it screams.

There are women who brag about not caring what their weight is, am I supposed to do that?  I think it’s important to know what you weigh and what you want to weigh.  I think if you love your body you need know your body.  Your weight can be an indicator of illness. It’s ok to know it!

 

I am conflicted about wearing things I like.  I love wearing a really cute outfit, and I love the way my boyfriend looks at me when I am wearing it, and when my friends say, “that is the best outfit.” When I’m wearing that outfit and a stranger grabs my wrist in a bar and makes me feel unsafe, it sucks.  I want to look pretty but I don’t want to be the property of any man that deems it so.  I have been yelled at on the street for not responding to a man that screamed “hey.”  YELLED AT!  Assuming that every person who yells “hey” at me is entitled to a conversation is a problem. Also, going out and feeling like “I look like shit today” all day is a problem.

I remember being at a young age and at a slumber party where we were allowed by the parents of the house to call and order our own pizza.  The girl whose house it was made a big deal about being nervous to be the one to call in the order and talk to the person on the phone.  Suddenly a slumber party full of eight girls all became nervous to call in the order.  I’d never felt nervous about it or even thought about it before, in fact, at the time, I worked answering the phone for takeout orders at my mom’s Italian restaurant.  Somehow, suddenly I was like “oh shit, I don’t want to do it if she doesn’t.”  Her weird neurosis somehow became all of ours. This reminds me of new wave feminism.  We don’t need to be afraid of or hateful towards all men.  We don’t all need to be “queens” all the time.  Not every woman “slays.”  Some of them come over for a dinner party and steal your fucking silverware.  I hope that women sharing their experiences in the world don’t make other women more afraid of the world.  This should make us feel stronger and more empowered.  Don’t be afraid to phone in a pizza order! You can still run for president even though Hillary lost!

I like being a woman. I like having the ability to understand things from an emotional perspective as well as a logical one.  I find it an asset.  I think when women hurt women it is worse than when men do it.  It makes my skin crawl more.  I expect it from men more.  Do I believe that women are meaner than men? No. I don’t think meanness can be established by gender.  At the very least, I feel that we are all equally shitty.

BUT

We get away with telling men they are mean all the time.  It doesn’t necessarily make men want to be less mean, but since we think this works, I’m trying this strategy with us.  You ladies are mean.  You’re mean to each other online and in person.  You sleep with each other’s boyfriends and husbands, talk about each other behind each other’s backs, call each other fat and ugly all the time, and do mean things to your friends. You know how much it hurts, and you do it still! Men do this too, but so do you. Yes, I am mean too, but so are you.  You are complicit in creating a society that makes women question how to act.  Please stop being mean. I will too.  It's 2017. Let's all treat each other equally so that we can get some fucking EQUAL PAY.

Being a good feminist doesn't mean hating men. It doesn't mean becoming the people in power at the expense of our male friends or people in other marginalized groups. It means recognizing that getting equality for POCs and LGBT people is also helping our cause.  It also means being nice to each other and showing compassion. It means not crossing the boundaries you expect straight white males not to cross. It means calling people on their bullshit no matter their gender, societal standing, race, religion, etc. Hurting each other doesn't help anyone. 

The Velv- Austin TX

After our sets at Sure Thing, old Luhrsman and I decided, "what the hell? Who cares if we have to be at the airport in 6 hours? Let's go see some more live comedy." We were lucky enough to catch two of Austin's finest, Yusef Roach and Carina Magyar at The Velv on sixth street. The host was also very funny but I forgot your name, sorry!! The kind bartender (maybe also the club manager, I'm not sure), Mario (not the same Mario as silverlake Lounge, but still a cool guy) kindly refilled our vodka sodas throughout the show while luhrsman and I laughed and laughed in the back like actual customers. "What a lovely evening," I thought to myself while finishing off my sixth vodka drink of the evening. We spoke with Yusef and Carina briefly and said our goodbyes while deciding if we should go to mugshots or try to make our flight in the morning. SPOILER ALERT: we did both. I thought to myself, "maybe I should use the bathroom." The bathroom is behind the stage in one of those awkward ways, so I had tried not to use it. HUGE MISTAKE. little did I know I was about to embark on the biggest journey of my life. Little did I know I was about to find the BEST RESTROOM IVE REVIEWED SO FAR. The restroom of the Velv is kind on the eyes. It has a vibe. It has pineapple wallpaper and a sparkly lamp.

 

IT HAS FREE TAMPONS. Now. I know this is not the first free tampon bathroom we have come across. It is however the first I've seen with MULTIPLE SIZE TAMPONS, a variety pack, if you will. It is also the first I've seen where I saw three women (including myself) come in and out and not just take all of them. I believe this is due to the vibe. The vibe is very much, "hey, we have more tampons if you need them, no need to steal them all."

 

this bathroom meant so much to me that I took a photo of it while other women were in there waiting. Yeah. I looked like a total freak. I just knew that no one would believe it until they saw it. Yes, I was very drunk and maybe had consumed a bite of a special vegan power bar as well. However, this bathroom is THAT important to me. this bathroom, much like Hogwarts' room of requirement, came to me at a time I needed it the most. It came to me at a time where I was thinking "well, I've reviewed most of the comedy bathrooms in LA, maybe bathrooms aren't really my game anymore." The bathroom at the Velv gave me the courage to keep reviewing bathrooms. It gave me back my love of free tamps. I would be so bold as to say, without this bathroom, I may not have made my flight back to LA. I owe this bathroom so much. 

 

I would like to note that this is my very first time reviewing a bathroom as a customer and not a performer, so maybe that had something to do with it but, I just highly doubt that. The Velv is a magical room and to have a comedy club on sixth street is a huge undertaking. To keep the tampons stocked in the restroom of said club, even HUGER!  I really appreciate the Velv for making a stand for women's rights to free tampons. We salute you. I hope to one day be booked at the Velv, so I can re-release this review from the perspective of a performer. 

 

the highest honor. 5 poop emojis.  

 

 

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Coldtowne Theater- Austin Texas

The bathroom at Coldtowne is out of the way of the theater which I so appreciate. There are also two doors into the theater to control noise. It was clean and full of plants. I was so excited to provide Coldtowne theater with the highest rank- 5 poop emojis- because I was having such a pleasant time in Austin, the show was great, and I had been drinking for four days straight. Then something unusual happened. The very next night, I visited another comedy venue just to WATCH. Crazy, I know. I hadn't even planned on using the restroom. This restroom not only unseated Coldtowne as the highest ranking bathroom for a comedy venue in Austin, It unseated its LA counterparts. Please check out my next review (out tomorrow) for more information.

as for Coldtowne, I highly enjoyed your bathroom and I'm really sorry to have to downrank you for this prestigious honor due to this unforeseen event. Four poop emojis. 

 

 

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Glendora Continental

Glendora Continental hosts one of my favorite open mics.  It is on Wednesdays and it is run by Julia Loken, who is a dear friend and incredible comic/host.  The reason this mic is the best, aside from the host, is because of the real people that sit in the crowd.   They might not be there the entire mic, but they are there most of the time and generally pay attention.  This open mic is more similar to out of town open mics, or even some bar shows.  That means, better.  You get more stage time and you have to try if you want people to laugh.  It's not like some of the LA ones where people will laugh if you're not being funny, just because they kind of know you.  The kind of thing that will not get a laugh here is if you end softly and then comment about it, sarcastically saying something like, "Yeah, they always say, end on a big lull" or "I like to go out on an awkward note."  Real people can smell what you're doing, and they don't like it (neither do we, here at Bathroom Humor).  Also, there's the chance that you walk away with $20.  THAT is cool.  Money for doing a mic? DOPE.  Anyway I guess I have to talk about the bathroom.  It's tucked away in the back in some hallway, and it always feels kind of lonely going back there.  There are two stalls, one is handicap accessible, which we love here at Bathroom Humor.  The other though is small AF.  I'm a bigger gal so it is hard for me and my purse to both fit inside. No purse hooks, come on, what is this the year 2000 in Nordstrom where someone was purse napping from women who hung their purses on the hooks?  It sometimes smells like menthol in there and I'm not sure why.  Maybe to cover up smells or maybe it just smells like that. One sink.  Always clean.  I want to give it three smiling poops but because it's my fave mic, four.  See, I can do whatever I want here!

The New Movement, downstairs

The New Movement in New Orleans is one of the dopest theaters in the city.  They host improv, standup, sketch, variety shows, bit shows, etc.  It is so much fun to hang out there!  The theater is set up perfectly, you can order at the bar from inside or out.  One of my favorite things to see at TNM was when Nikki Black opened for Shane Mauss.  That was really cool.  Anyway, the bathroom is located just to the left of the bar (inside, downstairs).  There are two stalls for the women.  The vibe is very "yes, and," hipstery, bohemian, whatever you want to call it.  The TP is hooked onto a rope.  The best part about it having this kind of vibe is that everyone using the ladies' is super respectful.  Yes, and... we all wanna use the toilet, so please keep it clean.  There are some banksy-esque pieces on the wall, what do we call those? Murals? Paintings? Stencilings?  IDK.  To be honest I had one of those things and it was a wall decal in my old house, and I started to think it wasn't cool and that banksy wasn't really that cool and I started feeling like a poser.  These paintings weren't like that, they were actually painted onto the walls and still had a slight tinge of anarchy to them, unlike the decal which I believe they sell at walmart now.  When I was there the bathroom was always clean and there was rarely a line, even though it was a big party with a bunch of people.  There is another bathroom upstairs but I'm not sure if that one is just for performers so I'm not going to review it, but I will say it was clean as well. Generally, I liked the bathroom, didn't cry in there one time which was sweet and unusual for me!  I did do my makeup there one night, traveling you know, and I will say the lighting was good and I found enough space where I wasn't juggling too many products at once.  Way to go the New Movement.  Four Smiling Poop Emojis since, you know, no free tampons.

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Downtown Independent

The Downtown independent is a movie theater that hosts the gentlemen of "Sleepaway Camp."  It's a pretty high profile show, they usually always have people from TV.  They let me do it once, super cool of them.  It's four guys, Ryan Shumaker, Doug Freedman, Austin Wolf-Southern, and Travis Rust.  They are funny and they do little video bits and things in between comics.  It's really cool how they use the whole space given that it's a movie theater.  People are threatening that it might get demolished.  I don't think it will.  Anyway it had some heat on it so I'm reviewing to try to increase my viewership.  I'm pretty smart like that.  I digress. Herein lies the struggle with reviewing this and many other bathrooms.  Should I review it as a movie theater or as a comedy venue?  To this point I have treated all the open mic and show bathrooms as just that.  Hence, Lotto Grotto with the automatic five smiling poop review (to revisit my review of lotto grotto please visit http://www.lisachanoux.com/bathroom-humor/2016/lotto-grotto ).  This bathroom in particular though, is kind of a special case.  You see, for a comedy venue bathroom, it is very very nice.  There are plenty of stalls to be used, though sometimes a few of them are shut down.  One time I went there I actually think there were only one or two stalls working.  Which, for a movie theater, not great, everyone gets out at the same time and there's always a ton of people in the bathroom.  But for a comedy venue, people sneak out to grab a beer in between comics (I SAID IN BETWEEN PLEASE DON'T LEAVE DURING MY SET IT WILL HAUNT ME FOREVER), and they can use the bathroom at that juncture.  There's not as much of an "outflux" (a word I just made up, opposite of influx), out of the theater and towards the loo.  Also comedy shows tend to be shorter than movies.  So yes it is a great comedy show bathroom.  It is also not a great bathroom for a movie theater.  The amount of space between the stall door and the floor is too much for me.  There are always all the things you need every time I've used it, enough tp and toilet seat covers.  The automatic water thing lasts a little too long for me and we are in a drought.  At least I don't feel disgusting inside there.  I'm really torn on this one.  It just seems hard.  I guess I'll have to say, I've been reviewing these venues as comedy bathrooms.  So I guess this one is a good one.

 

3/5 smiling poops

Karma Lounge UPDATE

Recently I was at the Karma Lounge (the little Jewel) for an awesome show. It's called Iron Curtain Comedy, and it was so fun. Great show. Great hosts Brendan Cooney & Bianca Cristovao. They get a real audience too!  It is supposed to be for Eastern European comics, but they let me on because I snuck on the audition a few weeks ago with out telling them I'm Middle Eastern. Really fun show. Anyway. The bathroom. One of the beaded strands was stuck on a nail. It was out of line with the others and it was driving me CRAZY. Every time someone would go to the bathroom I would think to myself "finally, someone is going to knock that beaded strand down." And it NEVER HAPPENED. so frustrating. Julia Loken was also noticing it. also. If you have a nail, why not leave the beads open or at least half open. You have essentially a hook there! This is driving me crazy. They still have free tampons though. So big up to karma lounge. Fix those beads bb!

 Pictured: me (ol Chanoux)  Photo Cred: Julia Loken

Pictured: me (ol Chanoux)

Photo Cred: Julia Loken

 Photo Cred: Julia Loken

Photo Cred: Julia Loken

Chatterbox

Chatterbox in Covina has comedy Shows on Sunday and Thursday nights, and an open mic on Mondays. I hang around a lot, so sometimes they have me do a set at the show or guest host on the mic.  It's cool! Anyway this review has been really hard for me to write.  Mostly because I date one of the hosts of the Sunday night Chatterbox Comedy Night, and have spent some time smooching in the hallway outside this bathroom.  Ive had so much fun at the show, and it was one of the first places to have me do time, how will I ever be impartial? Easy.  I won't.  One time my boyfriend insisted on pulling me into the bathroom to try to make out and stuff. I kept saying no and he kept insisting, then I finally agreed while saying "FINE. Ugh!" to Julia Loken who was standing outside.  And then nothing even ended up happening lol! Would like to thank my bad attitude for cockblocking me from making out in a bar restroom. Another time, the other host of the show came up to me about a half hour before showtime and said "I really gotta take a dump, I'm going in the girls." and then walked off. I dno if he was joking. He works there so I guess that's his prerogative. He is a cool guy too, he was one of the first people in LA to book me on shit and help me out (thx Steve) Big Hern, they call him.  Anyway, you're going to need to use the restroom there.  Travis who works on Sunday nights is known for his heavy pour.  You'll be using the facilities.  So what can you expect?  Expect to wait probably just a little bit.  One or maybe two girls in front of you unless its a really good comic on stage. Like Morgan Jay, the girls love him there.  If you really need to go, go during Morgan's set.  It will be empty.  One time this girl in the bathroom after Morgan's set was like "DID YOU SEE THAT GUY WITH THE GUITAR? OH MY GOSH." and then clutched her heart and swooned, I'm not even kidding.  This is another one of those dual-room bathrooms, how are we feeling about these, guys?  I don't know about 'em yet.  Would love the readers' feedback.  Anyway it has two doors.  The first room is just a mirror and a room, the second room contains the loo and washroom, and the second door does lock, though the first doesn't.  Which is how it should be, probably.  It bothers me that there's no mirror in the second room.  I don't know why, it just feels like there should be mirror in both rooms.  I'm grasping at straws here.  There's not much to complain about.  It's clean, always works.  One time Travis found a woman's cell phone that got flushed down the toilet.  That was really funny.  Who flushes a phone? haha. People are stupid.  Anyway it's a cool bathroom and the light haired Sunday night host with those bedroom eyes, he really kills me.  Funny and cute. BACK OFF OTHER LADIES Have sat down here without a liner, won't admit it in person.

"During the show don't talk in the hallway of the ladies' room or inside the men's.  It echoes.  I've seen marriages ruined" -Steve Big Hern Get Em Again Hernandez 

recently there was a problem with the soap dispenser and there was a creative solution. I think we can do better than a squeeze bottle y'all!

 Give it a squeeze  

Give it a squeeze  

4/5 smiling poops

The Lexington

The Lexington boasts open mics on Tuesday and Saturday nights.  There are shows there those nights too.  I think the hosts are cool. Idk. Anyway, some say the restroom at the Lexington is fine.  I say it is the most terrifying of all the open mic restrooms.  This debate will continue for all of time.  Now, the reason I dislike the Lexington restroom is not because of the restroom itself (though, we’ll get to that later), the main reason is the automatic, motion-sensored light in the restroom.  Usually I’m all for saving electricity, planet earth, you know, yay!  But in this particular restroom I feel that the motion-sensored light is a detriment.  The women’s restroom is tucked in the back of the Lexington, near the lurking, shadeful smoker hangers-on that tend to be in the back patio of the venue.  I’ve been known to be back there myself (proof that it’s shadeful).  It seems to me that it would be quite easy for someone to slip into the women’s room and hide until the light goes off, either for a prank or with malintent.  Thusly, when this blogger’s bladder is full, it is a matter of severe anxiety to walk into the dark ladies room, hear the door shut and then wildly wave my hands hoping that the motion-sensored light turns on soon.  I believe the issue is that the sensor is too far from the door itself.  Last year, once the lights came on, you would be encouraged to wonder, “who would ever put their mouth on that disgusting painting?   Who would put their mouth on a restroom wall?”  The customers at the Lexington, that’s who.  For those of you who have never been into the ladies’ room at the Lex, as it is fondly called, on one wall of the room there used to be a painting, checkerboard style if my memory serves me.  On some of the checkers were kiss marks from women who had applied lipstick and then pressed their lips to the painting, it seems, for the specific purpose of contracting something very very disgusting, such that they could skip work in a few days.  There was a recent remodel, but they painted everything in there dark colors and it seems just as gross now, if not more so, and honestly I'm not convinced that people aren't still putting their mouths all over the wall, because I mean, I've been there and I know what it's like. As far as the facilities, when they are not littered with toilet paper, they are solid, and I’ve never had a problem using them.  I would NOT sit down on the seat, not sure if that’s the fault of the establishment or the clientele it attracts.  This bathroom terrifies me more than all the other open mic bathrooms.  I hold as long as I can when I'm here.  Convenient to skid row, or skid mark row for some open micers am i right? haha wow I hate myself.  Please see the below quote and photo of Olivia Haidar, to explain what the lexington bathroom is actually like:

 "Stay classy, Lexington." - Olivia Haidar

"Stay classy, Lexington." - Olivia Haidar


 2/5 Smiley Poops

2/5 Smiley Poops

Melody Lounge

The melody lounge hosts mics on Monday nights. It's cool when Terrance Newman and Alex Hanna are there. I like them. The bathroom sucks. It's not the worst, but it poses a lot of problems. First, it struggles with the same issue as Karma lounge. You have to walk past the person performing to get to or from the john. It's a struggle. They do a rolling lottery where they pick 5 people at a time. You have to plan out whose set you don't want to watch for those 5 people. Then when you get over to the dark corner, it's hard to see which is the men's and which is the women's. Whatever, I feel old cause I can't see in the dark as well as I used to. There's probably someone in there. So then you wait behind the person performing (the one you already decided you DIDN'T want to see) until whoever comes out. Sometimes it's a guy- they are always using ours! Ours is disgusting enough guys! Then you get in there and you see the black toilet. Black toilets freak me out! It makes me think they are trying to hide how dirty it is because you can't tell. Don't worry, at least the lighting is low in the bathroom too. Not low enough to hide the graffiti that says Triangle B. I don't know what that means. While you're squatting over the toilet (no, I don't sit here) you might notice a weird blue trash can with a no smoking sticker on it. It will remind you that that means someone smoked in there and then remind you of every bad "if there's a sign for it, that means someone did it" joke you've heard. By this point you are probably depressed. Fear not, the soap dispenser will remind you of your high school. It's the kind where you press up onto it instead of down and never enough comes out. At least this one has gel soap unlike my high school which had the dry kind. You won't want to touch the faucet because the black toilet gives you the idea that they never clean in there. Personally, I still wash my hands. The hand dryer is so close to the door and so automatic that when you open the door it will go off if you get too close, interrupting the person who is on stage now. It's probably not the same guy who's set you didn't care about. It's probably someone you like now and now you feel like a dick. It's ok.   Grab another beer. You're probably going to be here a while because of the lottery thing and you're not a lucky person. If you were, you wouldn't be peeing at the melody lounge. It's better than Liquid Zoo.

 

3/5 Smiling Poops

 Forgot to mention all the tp on the ground.  

Forgot to mention all the tp on the ground.  

Little Joy

Little Joy does not have open mic nights but there are shows there on Monday and Thursday nights.  One of the Thursday night hosts is also a bartender there and she is super cool.  The bathroom at little joy is cool.  It is nice, it is clean.  There are multiple stalls and there isn’t usually a line.  It seems like the bathroom of a hip place.  Maybe that’s because it is the bathroom of a hip place.  The weird thing is, one night this blogger was patronizing little joy and I was washing my hands and there was a sign advertising these really awesome drink specials.  $3 shots or something that I really wanted.  I don’t remember exactly what.  A friend and I were JACKED for these drink specials.  It was the right day too on the flyer somehow like we lucked out.  Then we went in and ordered the drinks and the bartender very nicely explained that those were the drink specials for a different bar down the street. I am just very unclear still on this whole idea.  Maybe I misheard him or something but it doesn’t really make sense to me at all that a bar would advertise for cheaper drinks at at different location. I think he tried to explain why.  I don’t really remember.  I know it's the same owner, it's just weird- like little joy does well but the Holloway is struggling so they want to somehow get the people from little joy to go to the Holloway? They aren't that far from each other, maybe they could get a shuttle going instead of bathroom ads. I do remember he was nice and a good bartender.    If anyone has any idea about this please please let me know.  I’ve deducted a poo emoji due to this, but if we can get to the bottom of it I will adjust my rating.  Anyway its always clean in there and blah blah I don’t like the electric hand dryer but I don’t take off points for that cause its more of a personal preference thing. I’d sit down. Also little joy bathrooms always have writing on the walls. One time someone wrote "sluts are cool" which was awesome, but the photo below was the clear winner, truly how I feel every time I walk into trendy little joy. 

 


 4/5 Smiley Poos

4/5 Smiley Poos

 None of us do.  

None of us do.  

Comedy Store Belly Room

You know you really need to get laid if you’re brushing your teeth in the Belly Room Bathroom during the Show Up Go Up (Sunday Nights).  I’ve done it.  I admittedly don’t go to the store a lot, like I said, I’m trying.  Most of the shows I go to are in the Belly Room as well as the Sunday Night mic which is also in the Belly Room as I previously stated.  I think I’ve used another restroom here but I don’t really remember it.  I like the Belly Room bathroom because the Belly Room is all the way upstairs and it’s nice that you don’t really have to exit the show or mic to use the facilities.  It seems gross for some reason and I’m not sure why.  Just like everything seems a little damaged or old.  I think one handle of the sink wasn’t working that time I brushed my teeth there and I had to use hot water to brush, which I’ve never really done before.  I’d like to thank Mitzi for the experience.  Everything was clean and mostly working, so I guess its fine.  Face it, I felt comfortable brushing my teeth there so I can’t give it less than 3 poop emojis.


 3/5 Smiley Poos

3/5 Smiley Poos


Bigfoot Lodge

Bigfoot lodge has a show called Babe Island which is one of my favorite comedy shows. The hosts are cool and funny and one time I got David Gborie in trouble at another bar and he was really cool about it. Also Fritz was there that time and he said something like "you're ok, kid" which was nice of him. Fritz is like our Marc Maron of our time. Everyone wants his respect. Anyway they book good people and they even let me be on it once. A lot of comedians hang out there after the show and some other nights too. It's a popular hangout. One time I saw this one guy I super respect there but I didn't introduce myself and I regret it. The bathroom at this bar must be covered in tears.  Every time my friends come to this bar someone ends up crying in there. One time I cried in there cause some old out of town comic said something mean about women off stage and I was all "man why" and he was all "its funny" and I was all "ugh I'm going to cry now" like a woman would, you know?  It was a really long streak of me for not crying, like 5 or 6 days. I was mad that guy ruined it. I've also cried in there from women being mean to other women which happens too and I wish it wouldn't. The bar and bathroom are both set up for crying. There are two patios and you can see when people look in and then choose the other patio 'cause they don't like whoever was on the first one. There are two stalls and the hand dryer makes a lot of noise so it covers your sobs from being heard on the outside. The stall to your right when you walk in has a little more room in case you want to cry in partners. Recently the soap machine wasn't working so they had hand sanitizer. But if you wet your hands before you put on the sanitizer it doesn't really work and it makes your hands all wet. I'm not sure how the bartenders there keep their hands clean to cut fruit and such. Maybe they use the men's room exclusively. Anyway it is a cool bathroom and I think I've sat down on the seat, mid sob.

 4/5 Smiley Poos

4/5 Smiley Poos

Milk Bar

Milk Bar is the Silverlake Lounge of San Francisco except they have more booked shows and less open mics. It's supposed to be a music place but they started getting comedians in there and it's pretty tight. It seems like a lot of comics hang out there. Anyway they have drinks and I don't know if it's a reference to Harvey Milk or not. I'm actually just a visitor. I used the bathroom here a bunch because I was getting a lot of drinks bought by SF comics such as Stokes and Scott Simpson. People do that to out of towners. I like it. Anyway, the bathroom here is ok, the main issue I take with it is that being from out of town I was a gal on the go and it was hard to do my makeup in there with the red lighting (again, very Silverlake lounge). I assume I looked like a clown on stage. Also the hand dryer thing is busted as hell and has a sign on it to please press the button lightly, which makes me think people are wilding out in there on the regular. It was clean tho and didn't have a line. Did not sit down.

 4/5 Smiley Poos

4/5 Smiley Poos